I’ve looked at the recent pictures my son took of me, for the event of my 60th birthday. In many of these photos, I witnessed a sadness, a stress, in my eyes. Or, so I thought it was.
I put myself in the setting and let myself see out of my eyes, in the now, and when these photos were taken. I allowed myself to truly feel what is expressed on my face. What I found there was this sense of, “what I have been longing for, in my life, has always been there”. What I found was this sense of reconnecting with what has been held in reserve, in private, in safe keeping, and being grateful that it is still there.
This sense of these gifts that never abandoned me, though I ignored them for so long, has me humbly, emotionally saying, “thank you” for bringing me full circle to step into this robe of “old clothes”. It’s sort of like being girded with a favorite tool which fits so well in my hands (worn in, so to speak) and has not been lost, merely been right where I left it.
This sense of returning to “old clothes” and well worn tools, is accompanied by the knowledge of where I’ve been before. In this lifetime, I was born and raised in Amsterdam, NY, along the Mohawk River and at the southern edge of the Adirondack Mountains. Life then originated with neighborhood groceries, bakeries and confectioneries of one type or another. It lent itself to neighborhood watch being more about families growing up in actual neighborhoods, where people watched out for one another, and kids knew each other and what’s going on in the neighborhood. It was a time of walking almost anywhere in town, from ball fields, to school, to downtown, to (y’know) wherever. My early life also included more forays into the Adirondacks than I could say.
For those of us who have feelings and/or memories of past lives, these “old clothes” and “old tools” extend from the sense of ourselves in these other times and places. This isn’t about an attempt to relive our youth, or another lifetime. Rather, it is about remembering the “feel” of these other times. Feeling in our bodies what these past times bring to us. There is, no doubt, some healing that needs to happen with some past events and habits. There is also much to be relished, to be felt, to put on and wear around. As we work toward healing ourselves, we also work toward healing what comes with some of this remembering. A great deal of the healing work is as much about forgiving ourselves, as anything. Some of that forgiveness needs also to be about forgiving ourselves for setting aside so much of who we are, for whatever reason we have done so.
For me, I’m finding that though I have remained connected to Gaia, I have stepped away from this first connection with Love and Life that is so much a part of this aspect of life. I have forgiven myself for stepping away, no matter the reason. I am having trouble forgiving myself for my current situation and limited ability to spend time in Nature. I am having difficulty in gradually ridding myself of the “new clothes” I have taken on. These “new clothes” wear in the fashion of making excuses and frustrating myself with conversation about what I “should” be doing. They wear in the continual conversation and thought about how others may see me, and concern over being “accepted”.
The fact is, I am moving closer and closer to Gaia and my own true sense of myself in the I Am, the perfect person I have always been. The people who are drawn to me, in this lifetime, are not drawn to me because I aspire to have them perceive me differently, intentionally or not (as in wearing the “new clothes”). They are drawn to me because they sense the truth in me, the “old clothes”.
Just as we are all drawn to certain people, whether we know the true reason for being drawn or not, likewise, we are inclined to move away from certain people. While it may be obvious why we are so inclined, many times we don’t really know why we prefer not to be in some people’s company. For that matter, very often, we don’t really know what draws us to some people.
Through this all, I have come to realize that, much as the Moon has always been there, what I’ve always wanted to have in my lifetime, has always been there. I need only step back out of the shadows and into the light of the Moon, to acknowledge that She’s always been there. All we need to do is recognize the feeling within us, to know and be our true selves. Feel ourselves in our “old clothes”, bearing our “old tools” in life. Let go of the restrictions and perceptions we put upon ourselves and let it be all right to be the person in the “old clothes”. We are not born to be imposters. We are born authentic. We only let ourselves, at times, be the imposter.
Feel the true self within you. Be that true self. Being anything other is just an illusion.
Peter J Quandt