We know that too often in our lives we have a tendency to stash our feelings. Often this comes at times when we can’t, don’t want to, or don’t feel we have time to deal with them. But, do those feelings go away, as a result, over time? No. They are merely stashed. In fact, they can rattle around in our soul, our spirit, our mind to a point that the din within is most unruly and difficult to ignore. In fact, there are times that these feelings cause us to act, or act out, in certain ways, in an attempt to get us to deal with them.
A good case in point is the unresolved feelings I have in regard to returning to, or not needing to return to the places of my youth and young adulthood, these being the Adirondacks Mountains of Upstate New York and then New England (Western Massachusetts in particular). When I moved to Colorado, in August of ’78, it was never my intention to stay there for any length of time. Indeed, when I did think specifically of a time frame, I figured that through a second winter would be sufficient, knowing I could always come back to visit.
Well, as we know, sometimes our own plans are overridden by outside influences and direction. My first son, Graham, became to be and I determined that I should be there for him, and let go of going back to the East any time soon. Later on, I felt myself getting to a point where my sons would be out of school and I felt that would free me up to live wherever I wanted. I once again felt the yearning to go back to the mountains and hardwood forests, the lakes, rivers and streams, the lifestyle I had known prior to moving to Colorado.
Once again, however, my plans were overridden with the arrival of the youngest of my three sons, Jason. Once again I felt I needed to stay put, ’til he was out of school. Though my life in Colorado continued to feel “temporary”, I now began to consider staying there permanently. I did realize, however, that the only way I would ever feel totally okay with staying in Colorado would be if I moved back up into the mountains.
Well, I did move from Colorado. Only, I went south to southwestern New Mexico. I never saw myself going in that direction. It was never something I considered. After 3 years there, I moved to Oregon, to be close to my eldest son, once again, as he went through chemotherapy for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (which was successful and he’s been cancer free these last 2+ years). Now here in Oregon, that old yearning of going back East is surfacing again. I really do like it here, in Oregon. But, I haven’t yet committed myself to being here for the long haul.
There is still something in my “craw” that needs dealing with. It’s this sense of where do I need to be? I was once a part of a community. I was once part of something more than just my own life. My life was not centered around how to get through the next week, so much as where I would explore when the weekend came around. I felt content with where I was. I haven’t really felt that since I left Western Mass. I’m realizing that at this point in my life I yearn for this sense of “home”. I used to think that this feeling of home relied on living in the hardwoods, hills and lakes of the east. And indeed, there may be some solid truth to that. Yet, this sense of “home” is truly an inner peace, rather than a plot of land, a house.
I have an incredible connection to Gaia, Mother Earth, the Trees and Woods, the Mountains. I feel this so strongly as I write this, sitting in my more urban apartment. I feel it more strongly in some places than others. I feel it more strongly even in some Woods over others. Now that I am revisiting this feeling of missing the Adirondacks, and all, of the east coast, I’m realizing the real conflict is inside. And, it will no longer be ignored. What is being revealed to me is not that I have to look at one specific physical place or another, as being a place called “home” for the next 40 years. Rather, I have to recognize where Spirit and those deep inner connections feel strongest. For when I allow myself to be truly connected to the inner workings of Spirit, then I will know where physically I need to be.
This coming to terms is not just about me. It is about all of you, too. I feel that arriving at a both physical and spiritual place where I am truly content with living out the next 40 years, my children, family and friends will feel more welcome in my home and that will indeed be my intention. My life, this time around, has always shown me that when I am where I am supposed to be, and truly paying attention to the direction given me, everything else falls into place. They say, “home is where the heart is” (those people who say those things). But, when your heart is as big as, and connected to all of Gaia, how do you determine just where to physically reside?
Walk with me.
Peter J Quandt