I find it interesting that, at 60 years old, I am still able to have my confidence shaken, even after spending half my life in a single profession. In Colorado, I spent 25 years in landscaping, the last 19 of which I ran my own successful business. Before that it was 4 years in the construction industry. I had reached a point in my life, where I had complete confidence in my abilities as a landscaper and even in building projects. Should I come across a project where I felt that I would be working with a material I was not so familiar with, or installing something that I had not before, I was confident that I could easily obtain any information I might need to be able to do the job. If, perchance, there were anything I did not feel comfortable with or just didn’t want to do, I simply would decline the job and move on.
After moving from Colorado, I continued on this same vein. Though work in my new location of New Mexico was less readily available and not all what I was completely used to, I was able to find the materials and information I needed to complete any job I took on. Then, I moved to Oregon and into lines of work I had less familiarity with and employers who were not the best handlers of the people they employed.
Initially, I was working on a “sustainable farm”, where it was required of me to take care of animals more than anything, with composting and planting being the bulk of the rest of the job. Working for someone who had a very demeaning attitude toward people in general, let alone her hired help, I gradually found myself not wanting to go to work each morning, just because I did not want to be around such a work environment. While overall I had the confidence that what I did not have first hand experience with, in taking on this job, I knew that I could fairly easily pick up on what needed to be done. In fact, I’m generally really good at someone showing me how they want something done and taking off on my own in the same manner. What was especially frustrating and demeaning was that whenever a new task came along, rather than being shown first hand how to do it, I was expected to find a “youtube” video that pertained to the subject and learning from that. This included the building of a particular composting structure and how to actually do the composting, for example.
The real confidence buster was in being told how to do something, or to use a “youtube” video to learn how to do something, rather than just being shown first hand, and then being aggressively demeaned when what I built, or the particular work practice didn’t meet the expected results of the farm owner.
From there, I went back into the more familiar role of installing landscapes, working for two different companies that valued my expertise, work ethics and manner of dealing with the clients. As I worked for these two companies, I gradually saw my confidence come back into play, though I continued to shudder at the thought of how I was treated on the previous job. However, these companies could not keep me busy, so I took on a full time job with another landscape company.
The new job was going to be a little different in the type of landscape work to be done, due to the company being more landscape maintenance oriented and the manner in the way the owner handled the business. In short, I was being required to learn new landscape practices which I had heretofore avoided, simply because it was not in keeping with the kind of landscape work I enjoy and was indeed a type of landscape work (maintenance) that I really did not like to do. On top of this, the owner of the company was (and he was up front with me that this was his intention) more interested in landscaping from the perspective of running it as a business to make money and not so much really interested in landscaping as a desired profession. In other words, there was no artistry to any of the work done there and everything was a timed event, to the point that it eventually felt like every job we did was initiated with a, “here’s the work we’re doing, this is how much time to do it, ready, set, go”.
Again, this did not bode well with me as, while I fully support and understand the concept of getting a job done within the time allotted, the clock and demand to make every second of every day as “efficient” as possible really took any fun out of any of the already meaningless work we were doing and drove any sense of pride out of the work being done, with the exception of getting it done within the time allotted, which was often cut a little closer than I feel it should have been. Add to this the fact that compliments on work performed were very far and few between, and criticism was more the norm.
The strike to confidence in working for this company really came in the form of rarely feeling that my work met expectations. This not because I am not a professional in everything that I do, or don’t take pride in the product we were putting out. Rather, this lack of confidence in meeting expectations came in the constant run against the clock and constant commanding of keeping every act of work totally efficient. The final straw that made me give up on this job was my having to constantly remind myself that I am a hard worker, an efficient worker, a professional and the fact that after 30 years in the business, at possibly the end of my career as a landscaper, I was not only doing the meaningless kind of work I loathed the most (in this profession), I was being constantly chided for the work I was doing (or, at least, it always felt that way).
So, where am I going with all of this? These two jobs (the farm and the landscape maintenance jobs) really rattled my confidence in the way that they attacked the structure of my confidence by casting aspersions on my abilities as a landscaper. Since, moving on from these jobs, I’ve gone back into doing the kind of landscape work that I have a reputation for and am even working toward getting my own business license, in order to continue in this vein. However, the blows to my confidence have repercussions even outside of the work that I do. I’ve noticed that my confidence in general has taken a good rattling and I do have to often bring myself back into a center place of knowing my abilities and who I am, in order to keep myself on steady ground at work and in my private life.
The second confidence shaker I want to mention has to do with personal (partner/marital) relationships. Many, or most of us, have been in several relationships, in this lifetime. Each time we leave a relationship we bear the scars of what occurred to cause us to leave that relationship. Even the end of a relationship due to death of one of the partners leaves scars. Again, it has taken years and a great deal of healing to get over the scars of the most recent relationships in my lifetime. That doesn’t mean that those scars aren’t still open wounds, at times. Each time we are scarred from these failed relationships, however, we are prone to be shy about anything that comes up in a new relationship that even remotely feels like a similar situation.
Personally, I have done a great deal of work on healing most of these scars, or at least closing the wounds to further infection. I continue to work on moving these old hurts to a place where they are no longer a detriment to my current relationship. (I’d say current or future relationships, however my current partner is my last partner. There will be no “future relationships”, as I have saved the best for last and feel blessed that she is now here.) Still, I sometimes stand witness to confidence issues within my current blessed relationship. These have nothing to do with my partner or our relationship. Rather, they are merely shadows of past scars rattling their fears. I know that these fears do not serve me, or mine. I know that these shadows only have bearing on my current life in the form of lessons learned. So, when they show up, I find it best to sit with them, witness them, and let them go. The tendency is to identify with these shadows. That gives them power. Fortunately, I now have a partner who also has done a great deal of healing work on herself and understands the nature of this beast. Fortunately, we are able to address the shadows and our unwillingness to allow them to replace any of our Love with their fear. Fortunately, we stand together in this resolve and one by one are seeing these shadows move on. I am grateful for this last partner, the best.
So, how does Courage enter into this picture. Whether the scars against our confidence comes through work relationships, partner/marital relationships, family relationships, or one of any number of other relationships, we have to have the courage to face these scars, these old injuries. Some of these injuries are not even from this lifetime. Still, we need to face these old injuries, scars, patterns, with courage, in order to block them from getting in the way of a happy and good life. We have to have the courage and willingness to confront these old pains, identify them and tell them NO, you may no longer reside here. Better yet, we have to have the courage to recognize when we feel any given pain, witness it, and give it no power over us by engaging with it at all. This by no means is about avoiding a pain. Rather, it’s about having the courage to stand up to a pain and acknowledge its presence, look for the lesson in the pain, and let it go. Sounds easier than it often is. Yet, summing up such courage is often what it takes to stand in our relationships with integrity.
Additionally, it takes Courage to recognize patterns that no longer serve us. It take courage to be able to face our partners with the resolve to be honest and open, rather than anything less (for the sake of avoiding any potential confrontation). Courageously facing our fears, our old scars, old patterns may take a bit of practice. And, it may be work best done before starting another relationship. However, if we can be in relationship with someone who truly honors us and accepts us for who we truly are, this honesty is the only way to go.
I am grateful for the lessons of the confidence shakers. I am grateful for the courage to face these confidence issues and let them go. I am grateful for the ability to recognize that true honesty and integrity are the most important ingredients in any relationship, no matter what the other person(s) put on us. I am grateful for where I now stand and the encouragement I’m able to give to others who are making their way along this same path. I’m grateful.
Peter J Quandt