April 1, 2020Around the beginning of March, 2020, my brother sent news to us all that Moms condition had taken a turn. He announced that given Moms current state of cognitive and physical health, it would be advised to make a visit to see her, while we were still able. With this in mind, I planned a trip to Upstate NY for March 12-16. On Wednesday, 3/11, I called the facility where Mom was living to ask if they were still allowing visitors. In fact, they were. This even though I would be flying to get there.
You see, the coronavirus, Covid-19 was upon us. We had already been instructed on “social distancing”, some businesses were already temporarily closing (in order to help curb the spread of this pandemic), and we were well warned about the dangers of picking up the virus off hard surfaces previously touched by someone else carrying the virus. The potential person carrying the virus did not need to be showing symptoms, nor actually even be infected themselves. Rather, the virus could be spread simply by them touching one contaminated surface and then another.
At that time, we were being instructed from anyone in the know that the 1st best defense against this virus was washing our hands, again, again, and again. When we couldn’t wash and had touched any surface not known to be totally safe, we were instructed to use hand sanitizer as an interim precaution. And, above all “do not touch your face”. (Way easier said than done.)
On the day that I called the facility, to check on visitation, it was announced, nationally, that all rest homes should stop all visitation. This included family members. I weighed this news against the fact that the facility I would be visiting was still allowing visitors. Early the next morning, Thursday, 3/12, I boarded a plane and headed to Albany. It was the ugliest feeling travel I had ever experienced. Though I was careful not to touch anything I could possibly help, washed my hands at every stop, sanitized at points in between, I could not wait to reach my destination and have this travel behind me. It felt Yucky!!!
Upon arrival at the house where I would be staying, I immediately washed hands, shed my clothes, opened my suitcase and headed for the shower. I then carefully pulled clean, untouched clothes out of my luggage, dressed and headed to the facility to visit Mom, while I was at my cleanest, possibly for the last time. Upon arriving at the facility, I was greeted by a number of bright orange signs which indicated that all visitation to the facility was hereby forbidden, including relatives. The order had been put in place approximately 1 ½ hours before I arrived.
Over the course of the next few days, a few people adamantly suggested that I go to the facility and plead my case. Here I had traveled 950 miles to see my Mom, possibly for the last time. I couldn’t do it. I felt that if the facility felt that I was enough of a threat that they would close their doors to visitation, I should comply. In fact, I should have never left home, given that the threat was acknowledged on the national level, just the day before. In fact, if I weren’t being so selfish and hopeful to have this time with Mom, I should have aborted the trip even days before. In fact, the evolution of the information being given us about the intensity and danger of Covid-19 was changing almost hourly in the days preceding my trip to Upstate.
In fact, I knew that this travel was a risk to myself and anyone else I might be in contact with, including my Mother and the other residents of the care facility. The tug of war within me, accentuated by those who would have me try to be excepted into a visit with Mom and those who strongly pointed out the danger and foolhardiness of my travel, was intense. Ultimately, it was made clear to me (and I have to shamefully agree) that my actions put any number of other people at risk. My own significant other (so to speak) helped me to recognize my poor choice and how, in so choosing, I went against my own convictions and selfishly chose, rather than selflessly chose. This, something against my own general way of being.
Through it all, I did call the facility on that Sunday and the kind person (nurse) on the other end of the phone brought Mom to the phone, for what turned out to be our last conversation. It was short, yet allowed me to tell her that I love her. I will always be grateful for that moment.
Returning home from this trip, as was recommended by all the people monitoring the spread of Covid-19, I immediately put myself into a 14 day self-quarantine, just on the outside chance that I had contracted the virus, and/or was contagious otherwise.
On Wednesday, March 25, 2020, Mom passed away. The next day, driving a rental car, I headed back to Upstate NY. This time I was not going to get on a plane. Again, I touched almost nothing other than what I brought with me, with the exception of 2 quick stops for gas. Everyone I encountered, mostly family, was practicing “social distancing” in the highest form. I returned on Sunday. By that point the law in this state had been sent down that anyone “visiting” this state (including residents) was under mandatory 14 day quarantine.
This trip I was not going to pass on and made sure that I could not contaminate anyone, including myself. This trip I made the right choice. I regret the previous choice, though there are many who support my effort. This is an incredibly tense time and I (we all) will be glad when we get through it. I’m being very careful to not engage with any other people, even not going to stores. At some point I’ll be back at work. I pray that my choices have not contaminated anyone else.
Peter J Quandt