It seems I’ve been stumbling around, for some time now. By that I mean having a sense of myself and what I’m about, having a sense of my own passion for life, yet not having a full grip on anything in particular to direct that passion toward. Simply put, when I started my landscape business, in 1991, I had a passion for the work I did, the landscapes I created. Every detail of what rock placed where and how, every plant selected, or patio and stone wall built was my focus. It was in these details that I made my reputation. When I took on building water features that same passion of detail was not compromised.
Later, as I became a might disenchanted with ungrateful employees and not being able to steer the company toward having long term employees that took pride in their work and the company they worked for, in order that I be freed up to design and coordinate primarily the more creative projects, my passion waned. Now, having left Colorado, altogether, and taken up residence in Oregon, and at my current age, I’m finding it difficult to get in with a company that does the caliber of projects my company did. In fact, it’s been difficult (to say the least) to get in with a company that can even give me full time hours (though the company I’m currently with had that intention when I hired on). No, I find myself wanting to move away from landscaping, and find something else that I can once again be passionate about.
Physically, I can still put in a darn good day’s work. Yet, I’m finding myself yearning for even directing my energies away from so much of the physical and more toward the creative and spiritual. So, again the question, where is my passion? All indications seem to be of it being time to move on, in type of work. I do need to bring in an income. So, I do need to work. More and more, it seems I’m being drawn away from the more mundane type of work and more toward the spiritual. I know I’m a healer. But, I’m not getting a sense to move toward a specific mode of healing. I know I could be a writer. But, my writings are still lacking in quality and scattered in subject matter.
So, where is my passion? It would seem that if the Universe is directing me away from landscaping, it must be directing me toward something. And, I’m fine with the change. I’m just wondering what it is, exactly, that I am being directed toward. Where is the invitation to follow another path? Where is the path to follow?
Me being me, I know that I yearn for some means for being helpful to others. I’ve always been the one that people could ask to help with most anything. So, I know that this aspect of me carries a great deal of energy in the “work” that I am headed toward. I suppose, all I’m really asking for is to be given some sense of where to put my focus. Like the person growing up knowing that all they ever wanted to be in life was a musician, or the artist who picks up a paint brush and never looks back, I can’t honestly say I’ve ever had any one thing that I always wanted to be.
I am who I am. Multi faceted and multi skilled, my passion is scattered over too many things to really focus on doing one thing well. I feel like I’m stumbling around, waiting to be discovered, or perhaps a child waiting for Christmas to open the one gift I’ve always wanted. It would help, though, if I knew what that gift is. It would help if I knew just what IS my passion.
Peter J Quandt